Friday, July 8, 2016

I was Raped

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write.
I was raped.
In my youth I was put into multiple situations of physical and sexual abuse, several situation where guardians or adults whose care I was in molested me. Separately from those incidents, is a specific series of events, that I cannot seem to truly process. Instead of the rage, indignation, and sadness I have felt at some of the other events of my childhood, to this event I can only feel numb and disconnected.
I lived for a short time with my biological grandmother when I was about 6, and with us lived my 13 year old uncle. While living there I stayed in his room, and at first things were okay. We fought and it was obvious he resented having to share his space, but in general it wasn't bad. After a few weeks, I started waking up at night to him touching me, or rubbing on me with his body. I didn’t really protest because I was scared and it was not the first time this had happened to me, and I had learned that it was usually less trouble if I didn’t fight.
After a few weeks of this, I guess he built up his courage to go further, because he started fondling me for long periods and acting like it was mutual. Talking to me during, sometimes in mean threatening ways, sometimes in scared and apologetic tones. During the days he would treat me like any older sibling, mean or annoyed with me, but not overly hostile. In fact my grandmothers treatment of both of us was more severe than his daily treatment of me, although he was her son, and I was just her daughters mistake (that is what she called me most of the time).
About 2 months after I started living there, was the first time he raped me. I woke up to him removing my clothing and tried to turn away and go back to sleep, the next thing I know he was rubbing himself against me from behind, and then he violated me. It hurt and sent me into a panic which caused me to try to flinch away from him and to call out, so he pushed me onto my stomach and my head int a pillow and told me if I tried to yell I would regret it. After he finished, I just laid there, not really understanding what had happened, but terrified and in a lot of pain.
The next morning, when I woke up he was dressed and sitting in the room, and just looked me in the face and said, if you tell anyone what happened, mom will get rid off you and no one will believe you anyway. I hurt terribly for the next couple days, and he backed off. then after the few days, he did it again. this went on for several weeks, where he would do that, and then back off and be apologetic and "nice" to me. After a few weeks I waited till he was gone one day and told my grandmother that he was hurting me and touching me, and she lost her mind at me. How could I say that about her boy, Why was I trying to cause trouble, didn’t I know that no one else wanted me? Didnt I know that lying was wrong? She spanked me and grounded me to my room. over the next few months, this continued, and every couple of days I would try to tell her again. Her anger and the intensity of her punishments got worse and worse, culminating in her locking me in her bedroom closet, a few times, and the last time when I tried to leave the closet, she nailed it shut and left me in there for a few days. All the while she continued to force me to sleep in the same room with my uncle, who continued to go through the cycle of apologetic molestation to violent violation. I don’t remember much after that, except that eventually she decided it wasn’t worth it anymore and my mother came to "rescue me" and finally gave me up for permanent adoption to the Wheelers.
I don't write any of this for sympathy. I write it to get it out of my soul, to process it, and find the emotions and pain that are buried under all the layers of confusion and time. To understand what it was about him, and what it was about me, that made those acts possible, that made me such a target for abuse, and what those things have translated to in my adult life. I still cannot quite process any of the events, they all seem like a distant movie I watched someone else live through, and exploring those memories is more painful and crushing than I can describe. I honestly don't know what to do, or where to go from here.