I was Raped

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write.

I was raped.

In my youth I was put into multiple situations of physical and sexual abuse, several situation where guardians or adults whose care I was in molested me. Separately from those incidents, is a specific series of events, that I cannot seem to truly process. Instead of the rage, indignation, and sadness I have felt at some of the other events of my childhood, to this event I can only feel numb and disconnected.

I lived for a short time with my biological grandmother when I was about 6, and with us lived my 13 year old uncle. While living there I stayed in his room, and at first things were okay. We fought and it was obvious he resented having to share his space, but in general it wasn't bad. After a few weeks, I started waking up at night to him touching me, or rubbing on me with his body. I didn’t really protest because I was scared and it was not the first time this had happened to me, and I had learned that it was usually less trouble if I didn’t fight.

After a few weeks of this, I guess he built up his courage to go further, because he started fondling me for long periods and acting like it was mutual. Talking to me during, sometimes in mean threatening ways, sometimes in scared and apologetic tones. During the days he would treat me like any older sibling, mean or annoyed with me, but not overly hostile. In fact my grandmothers treatment of both of us was more severe than his daily treatment of me, although he was her son, and I was just her daughters mistake (that is what she called me most of the time).

About 2 months after I started living there, was the first time he raped me. I woke up to him removing my clothing and tried to turn away and go back to sleep, the next thing I know he was rubbing himself against me from behind, and then he violated me. It hurt and sent me into a panic which caused me to try to flinch away from him and to call out, so he pushed me onto my stomach and my head int a pillow and told me if I tried to yell I would regret it. After he finished, I just laid there, not really understanding what had happened, but terrified and in a lot of pain.

The next morning, when I woke up he was dressed and sitting in the room, and just looked me in the face and said, if you tell anyone what happened, mom will get rid off you and no one will believe you anyway. I hurt terribly for the next couple days, and he backed off. then after the few days, he did it again. this went on for several weeks, where he would do that, and then back off and be apologetic and "nice" to me. After a few weeks I waited till he was gone one day and told my grandmother that he was hurting me and touching me, and she lost her mind at me. How could I say that about her boy, Why was I trying to cause trouble, didn’t I know that no one else wanted me? Didnt I know that lying was wrong? She spanked me and grounded me to my room. over the next few months, this continued, and every couple of days I would try to tell her again. Her anger and the intensity of her punishments got worse and worse, culminating in her locking me in her bedroom closet, a few times, and the last time when I tried to leave the closet, she nailed it shut and left me in there for a few days. All the while she continued to force me to sleep in the same room with my uncle, who continued to go through the cycle of apologetic molestation to violent violation. I don’t remember much after that, except that eventually she decided it wasn’t worth it anymore and my mother came to "rescue me" and finally gave me up for permanent adoption to the Wheelers.

I don't write any of this for sympathy. I write it to get it out of my soul, to process it, and find the emotions and pain that are buried under all the layers of confusion and time. To understand what it was about him, and what it was about me, that made those acts possible, that made me such a target for abuse, and what those things have translated to in my adult life. I still cannot quite process any of the events, they all seem like a distant movie I watched someone else live through, and exploring those memories is more painful and crushing than I can describe. I honestly don't know what to do, or where to go from here.

Choice

People truly are beautiful in their flaws and unique imperfections. Millions of complex emotions and thoughts. Every person you meet is capable of anything. Every one of them has the capacity for unfathomable evil and fearless hope.

Every human being strives, fears, aspires, perspires, cries and loves.

There is no greater work of art, or endless mystery than every single person you meet every day. They should be treated with respect, kindness, patience and most of all love.

The truth is... there are a million reasons to be pessimistic, or negative. So many excuses to justify protecting yourself emotionally, or pushing people away so you can't get hurt.

Choice is what it is all about. The choice to leave each person better than when you found them. The choice to accentuate the positive, instead of perpetuate the negative. The choice to leave a legacy and be remembered with love and grace for the kindness and faith you have shown others. Others who maybe just needed a little of that faith or kindness to have the courage to become the best version of themselves they can be.

My confession is that I am terrified. Constantly afraid that I am not good enough, strong enough, or smart enough. I am to afraid of taking chances because safely having what I already have, is often easier than risking it all to get something better. I have only one real wish for myself. That when I am gone, I will be remembered for my kindness, for my willingness to help those around me. Not for what I could not accomplish or the mistakes I have made.

I am constantly in awe of the enormity of the possibilities in the people around me. How everything they do is fueled by more than one personal experience, more than one emotion. I envy people their mysteries and infinite possibilities, and just want to help each of them unlock that potential, solve that mystery that is themselves.


The hope being that in the process I will gain wisdom and understanding into the mystery that is me.

Laugh.

Now that I have recovered from my vacation and being sick, I decided it was time to get back to my little corner of sunshine :D

If I could only give one piece of wisdom with regard to having a positive outlook on life, it would be this.

Learn to laugh.... especially at yourself.

Genuine guileless laughter has no downside. Makes you and anyone around you feel good. Also it is more contagious than the flu :D

So seriously think back right now to the last really funny thing you did, and laugh at yourself. I think you will be surprised at the effect it has on your whole day.

New Years.

I have always said that New Years was my favorite holiday. In years past I said it because it was an unfettered holiday, one about celebration and friends. A holiday devoted to appreciating being alive. I have come to realize that what I truly cherish about New Years can be cut down to a single word.... Hope.

New Years is about hope, hope for the future, and that it will be even better than the past. Hope that wrongs will be righted, goals will be achieved, and love found and fostered.

I hope as you all move forward from the New Years that you can hold on to that spark of Hope and kindle it into motivation and love.

Taking Chances

I look back on my life and realize that of all the things I regret in my past, only a few are things I did, and most are things I could have done and did not. I would like to impart upon the reader the benefit of my experiences when I say, Look at every chance you have with the idea " Will I ever have the chance to do this again?" or "Will I look back and wished I had done this?" and finally " How insanely awesome will the story be later if I do this now?"

Sometimes you just have to enjoy a bad experience.

Most of life is about perception. Events happen around you and you learn from what you perceive about those events.

So I have a novel concept for you gentle readers... Learn to enjoy/make peace with negative events.

I know that is an almost alien concept, but let me give an example. If you dislike sour things like lemons, try eating a lemon and enjoying the fact that you can perceive a difference and therefore choose to dislike sour things, or in other words instead of using the lemons life gives you to make lemonade, learn to enjoy the experience of tasting something sour.

Of course this cannot be done with all negative experiences, so its not the experiences themselves you should focus on, but your perceptions of those events. Instead of letting the death of a loved one drag you into despair, perceive the things they left you with in this life and enjoy those things.

This is a truly difficult concept to explain, and one probably harder to practice. Learning to perceive negative events in a positive manner (seeing a silver lining) is one of the things I would recommend most. This concept will help change your attitude to one that accentuates the positive, and strives to find the good in all things.

A Tale of Two Messages

I had another message to write about today, but a friend of mine posted a quote that I absolutely had to share and try to expound on first.

“I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”

Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923); psychiatrist, author

Doing things for the sake of doing them, because you enjoy them, is a lost art. Look at vacations, most of the time people are so exhausted from "vacationing" that they need another one when they return. I recommend stepping out of your adulthood at least once a week if not more( if you need to quantify a formula). Play a practical joke, go see a funny movie, or simply go by a small ice cream cone. Only kids seem to choose ice cream cones over other forms, and have such pure joy at slowly making them disappear. It is hard to look like a big responsible adult while trying to defeat an ice cream cone before it melts all over you.

On to my second subject.

Random Acts of Kindness

This is something that every single person on the planet should focus on accomplishing every single day. There is literally no down side to this. This is as beneficial to you as it is to the person you perform the kindness for. Things like Paying for someone's coffee behind you at the gas

station, or an extra tip for a decent but shy server. I know eating out is expensive, but that overly generous tip would probably get wasted on other stuff anyway. I guarantee that the server you left it for will suddenly start having a great day, which will make all of their customers happier, and result in getting better tips all around. Suddenly you have lots of people talking about this server they had at such and such restaurant that brightened their whole day, instead of telling another horror story about bad service.

This translates to so many things. Go out of your way to compliment co-workers, even giving a few dollars to the homeless guy on the street corner. Who cares what he is going to use it for, its the act of giving that makes the difference.

I think if you make a concerted effort to give this a try for the next two weeks, you will see a difference in your attitude and demeanor during that time. For me it comes down to a simple phrase that encompasses both of the above principles.

You cannot make someone smile, and not smile in return.